SAD NEWS.....

(My friend from Thunderbay sent me this and I had to share with anyone
who reads my blog)

Sad News…….Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flour.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old
man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

I hope this made you smile for even a brief second. Please take time to share
this with someone else who may be having a crumb-y day and kneads it.

Things that make you laugh in the middle of the night!

Ok so have you ever had this happen to you? It’s 2AM and you still haven’t found that elusive shuteye factor. Well it happens to me a lot. But this time it was so funny. I was flipping channels and came up to a commercial. It has two women sitting at a restaurant. One woman says “I have something to tell you… I have a secret” The other woman blurts out “So do I, I’ve been to prison” (or something to that effect). It lands up that the whole commercial was about the first woman being illiterate. However, they end the commercial with “Look in your Yellow Pages under LEARN for help in your area”. THE PERSON IS ILLITERATE! HELLO??????? Isn’t that like asking a blind person to find that info for you? I have to get more sleep. Goodnight.

Tree Killing....when is it acceptable?

To kill or not kill a tree...that is the question. First of all let me apologize for not updating my site until now. So this is how bored I am these days. I'm looking on the Internet on ways to kill a couple of my trees. Before you start yelling at me, let me explain. They are growing way too close to my house and I fear that the roots may cause some damage to my basement. I have done the pro and con scenario and my wallet told me that killing the trees far outweighs repairing my foundation. Anyway, so far, all I have found are ways to kill your neighbor’s tree and I thought I'd share. One way is if you hammer copper nails at the bottom of the tree. This will cause the tree to die over time. (Nothing like making a tree die a slow and painful death I suppose. But I don’t hate my trees that much.) I thought of yanking them out of the ground. But I think that would cause me too many nightmares. (That probably comes from watching Veggie Tales too much this week. HEY I SAID I WAS BORED! ) Then I came upon this other method. Here's what you need if you are ever in need of killing your neighbor’s tree the natural way:

A Sharp Knife
A Cordless drill and Very large Drill bit in chuck
A Pint of Milk
PVA Glue

In the dead of night jump the wall...(if you are a non- athletic man, please wear a cup to protect your jewels. Wouldn’t want you to cry out loud in pain. Then your neighbors would know for sure what you are up to…right?). Now remove a part of the bark with the sharp knife and place to one side.
Now with your cordless drill with the largest bit in the chuck at the ready, Drill a dirty great big hole angling down slightly. This is in the area that the bark was removed from preferably as low to the ground as possible. Now take the Pint of milk you have and pour it into the hole you've made. With the bark place it back over the hole & glue into place. Then Scale back over the wall and drink the rest of the milk as you heart will be going some and you'll feel refreshed after wards. Job done and in a few weeks the tree should have died. Due to the fact that the milk has good & bad bacteria, the bad bacteria will kill the tree's root system...NOW I know why I shy away from milk!

Help! POLICE!!! I've been robbed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, I consider myself a generous person. Anybody and everybody who has taken the time to get to know me, knows that I give to charities or fundraisers all the time. Hell, I give stuff away to people just for the sake of seeing the joy in their eyes. I am a firm believer that it is better to give than to receive. So it is beyond me why someone would steal my garbage can! On Tuesday of this week, I set out 2 garbage cans and 2 recycle boxes. However, when it came time to retrieve said items from the back, I was sadden to find that there were only 3 items left to bring back into my garage. Someone (I’ll call them scum sucking deadbeat for lack of a better set of words) decided that I may have been some and “lifted” one of my garbage cans. Granted, I may have forgotten to leave a note stating the obvious “please do not remove this garbage can from the premises.” So shame on me. But come on! Have the people in this city gone so brain dead that they have to drive up and down the back lanes to steal items for fun? Either way, I have placed a curse on this robber of sorts and hope that he/she gets foot fungus, or maybe a nail through his/her foot for their efforts. I wonder if I could get some type of alarm hooked up to the can? Kinda like when they put those ankle alarms on people during house arrests? Hmmmm…..Well I best be on my way to a local hardware store to purchase yet another garbage can.

7 kinds of sex?

So my friend Debbie from Thunder Bay recently sent me an email.
I laughed, I cried , then read it again. See which category you and
your partner may fall into. There are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face. (Wonder if that is where the Smurf cartoon originated?…hmmm)

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. (Remember to put away the
table utensils!)

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom. (In most cases, if you are
a woman, you slept right through it)

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "screw you." (Nice way of telling your partner
where to stick his precious tool)

The 5th kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Sounds like a party at the Rectory tonight!)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone. (Without being kissed first? How rude!)

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex. You get a little each month but not enough to live on.
(Trust our government to screw you right till the end)